Phil's Stories
by Em Pataki
Summary: Phil has a childhood story to relate to all of Arnold's every day problems.
1. Chapter 1

No Pain No Gain

"Hey Shortman!"

"Hey grandpa." Arnold sighed, walking into the kitchen.

"What's eatin ya?" Phil asked, setting aside his paper.

"Eugene rode his bike over a soda can and slid into a parked car. He said he was okay, but he has a huge bruise on his head."

"Well, at least it was him and not you." Phil replied.

"I just feel so bad for him sometimes. He can't seem to make it through a day without something terrible happening to him." Arnold explained sorrowfully.

"Did I ever tell you about the time Jimmy Kafka and I went skateboarding down Hawk Mountain?" Phil asked anxiously.

"Uhh no?"

"I rode my board down that mountain with such grace and dignity…" Phil began to explain, while Arnold simply rolled his eyes.

"Then when I made it to the bottom, I signaled for Jimmy to follow."

"What happened?" Arnold asked, leaning his head in his hand against the table.

"Jimmy went racing down that hill faster than I do for the bathroom after eating your grandma's raspberry cobbler! He ran himself right into an oak tree the size of the boarding house!" Phil laughed.

"Did he go to the emergency room?" Arnold assumed, lifting his head up.

"Nope! Jimmy took his skateboard right back up that mountain and slid back down until he finally got the hang of it. Only took him about twelve or thirteen tries before he made it down without hittin' something." Phil said, rubbing his chin, thinking back to the day.

"Why would he keep attempting to hurt himself like that?" Arnold wondered.

"Because pain can be a very useful thing shortman!" Phil pointed out, while Arnold lifted an eyebrow.

"It can?"

"Everytime Jimmy crashed, he learned what NOT to do. He learned not to ride with one leg, not to ride with his eyes closed, not to try walking on the board while it's moving. Once he was through trying all those stupid stunts, he made it down the hill just fine!" Phil laughed.

"I don't think Eugene's going to repeatedly ride his bike into another person's car?"

"Nope! 'Cause now he knows to keep his eyes on the road!" Phil chuckled, while bumping Arnold's shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

Take A Chill Pill

"That you shortman?" Phil asked, hearing the front door open.

"Hey grandpa."

"How was school?"

"Well, Sid spent all morning freaking out about what he thought his grade on our math tests we were getting passed back today would be." Arnold began to explain.

"Sounds pretty normal to me. I don't know anyone who's ever been excited to discuss that topic." Phil replied.

"He was worried he missed the last question because he thought his four might have looked like a nine?" Arnold sighed.

"Did I ever tell you about the time I caught your dad cheating at Chinese checkers?" Phil asked.

Arnold rolled his eyes, knowing Phil was cheated on every time he played that game with another person.

"Uhh I think so."

"Well it's lesson obviously didn't stick with you, so you're going to hear it again. One day he asked me to play his brand new board game I had gotten him for his birthday. I was so excited to play the game with him. A real father son activity! After four or five moves, I went to get a glass of water." Phil continued, as Arnold leaned against the table uninterested.

"On my way back to the table, I saw your dad moving the pieces around!"

"So, you made him restart the game?"

"Why the heck would I do that? I just made him swap sides of the board with me." Phil said proudly.

"I don't think Sid would have been able to swap tests with someone, grandpa."

"Sure he would have, but that's not the point." the elderly man insisted.

"What is it then?" Arnold shrugged his shoulders, not knowing what lesson he could possibly be learning from this.

"That there's nothing wrong with being a little skeptical. Although that kid seems a bit more on the paranoid side."


	3. Chapter 3

Imperfection Is Perfection

"Hey grandpa." Arnold sighed, as he dropped his backpack by the kitchen table.

Seeing the look on his grandson's face, Phil watched Arnold stare sadly at the table and asked "Oh bad day?"

"All my friends and I were standing outside the school listening to Lila tell one of her funny farm jokes. Then Helga just decides to knock me off the steps on her way out of the school." Arnold explained.

Phil began to chuckle uncontrollably while Arnold rested his head in his hand, thinking about the tough times Helga always gave him.

"I don't get it grandpa? Why does she have to be like that?"

After getting his laughs out, Phil looked at his troubled grandson and asked "Did I ever tell you about the week your grandma caught the flu when we were in grade school?"

The blonde boy lifted his head from his hand and hesitantly replied "No?"

"When the teacher announced to the class she wouldn't be back for a week, I felt like jumping out of my seat! I was so happy!" Phil smiled, thinking back to the day.

This didn't surprise Arnold after hearing all the stories he had about the hard times Pookie had given Phil when they were younger.

"Then by the time the third day rolled around, I realized how boring it had been around the classroom. All the other girls were, oh what's the word? Normal." he explained, as Arnold's unamused look turned to a perplexed one.

"So you're saying you missed being picked on and tortured by grandma?"

"I'm saying it's our differences that allow us to connect with one another. I realized how stupid I was to think there would be anything exciting about a class of twenty kids who behaved perfectly!" Phil exclaimed, watching Arnold's eyes widen.

"So, did you call her later that day?"

"Nah, I just waited 'til she came back to school. First thing she did was cough in my face, hoping to get rid of any remaining germs. Hehe."

"Whatever you say grandpa."


	4. Chapter 4

Wait Just A Minute

"Hey Shortman! Home already?" Phil excitedly greeted his grandson whom he saw walking into the kitchen.

"Yeah, Gerald's got too much homework to see the movie. I guess we'll just have to see it next weekend." Arnold sighed, as he sat down at the table.

"You'd be surprised at what good can come from waiting shortman!"

"What do you mean?"

"When I was your age, I had to wait in the lunch line behind fifty people and pray that there would still be some chocolate pudding by the time I reached the end of the line. Every time I made it to the end of the line, your grandma would jump in front of me to steal the last cup." Phil began to explain, while Arnold thought about how similar that was to him and Helga.

"One day I decided I was going to cut in line. I made it to the end to see one chocolate pudding left. I could tell just by the look of it, it wasn't the freshest cup. I was too excited to care though. A few minutes after I ate it, I ran for the restroom!"

Arnold continued to listen, while Phil seemed to be getting a kick out of his own story.

"When I made it back to the cafeteria, I saw a whole new tray of pudding cups had been set out for the line!" Phil exclaimed, still amazed by what had happened.

"So you're saying I should just be patient."

"That or prepare yourself for the worst." the elderly man shrugged his shoulders, not knowing what other option there could be.

"Like what?"

"Oh let's see, tickets being sold out, the movie being a big disappointment, the snack stand being closed, your cranky friend with the big pink bow and the one eyebrow having a seat right beside you…."

"Thanks grandpa." Arnold sighed, as he stood up from the table to head for his room.

Phil waved, happy to have another helpful story for his troubled grandson and said "Don't mention it shortman."


	5. Chapter 5

Money Can't Buy Happiness

"How's it goin' shortman?" Phil asked, seeing Arnold head towards his bedroom.

"Alright I guess." Arnold sighed, walking into the living room.

The elderly man looked away from his paper to see the troubled look on the young boys face. "Bad day?"

"Well, Helga shot spitballs at me, Harold complained about not having enough to eat at lunch, Stinky didn't understand what was going on in class, and Rhonda bragged about her clogs she got to match her red sweater. I guess it was pretty normal." he sighed, leaning back against the couch.

"New clogs eh? That classmate of yours seems to go through more outfits than Pookey!" Phil exclaimed.

"Yeah. She likes to make sure everyone knows how rich she is." Arnold explained, as he leaned back on the couch with his hands folded on his stomach, not finding anything unusual about the story.

"You know, I learned a long time ago that money can't always buy you happiness." Phil began, as his grandson continued to sit and listen.

"One day Jimmy Kafka and I decided to see a Black Sox game. It was the last game of the season! When we made it to the stadium, the tickets were sold out. Jimmy and I stood there a while until he noticed a scalper."

"What did you do?" Arnold asked, leaning forward in his seat.

"We went over to the ticket scalper and ended up paying twice what the tickets were worth. I should say ten times what they were worth, because the assigned seating for them was directly behind a pole. Neither of us saw anything going on in the game." Phil laughed, while Arnold rolled his eyes at the story.

"So your money was wasted."

"Yes, but I learned a few good lessons from that incident: Don't talk to strangers, Look up the seating chart for the ball game, and Don't gamble your money until you're 21!" Phil warned the unamused boy.

Arnold stood to head for his bedroom and replied "Thanks grandpa."

"Anytime shortman!"


	6. Chapter 6

When Life Gives You Lemons

"Oh you beautiful doll! You great big beautiful doll! I don't know the words and I don't care, 'cause I'm losing my hair! Hey shortman! How was school?" Phil stood outside sweeping, singing to himself when he saw Arnold approaching.

"Hey grandpa." Arnold sighed, as he took a seat on the steps.

The elderly man watched the upset expression forming on his grandson's face and asked "Oh what's the problem?"

"Well today's the day they serve lemon pudding in the cafeteria. Stinky ended up dropping his and wasn't too happy the rest of the day."

Being reminded of a childhood memory, Phil asked "Did I ever tell you about the time your great aunt Mitzy and I opened up a lemonade stand?" Phil asked, leaning against the broom.

"No?"

"We needed money to buy tickets for a new movie that was playing. We had almost made enough, when your grandma came walking down the street."

"Did she buy a glass from you?"

"Are you kidding?! She knocked over the stand and laughed in our faces!" Phil laughed, thinking back to the incident.

The blonde boy sighed at the story, waiting for the point to be made.

"That's okay though. I learned an important lesson. When life gives you lemons…"

"I know grandpa. You're supposed to look on the brightside." Arnold finished for him.

"Actually I was going to say squirt them in somebody's eyes. I could have saved our stand if I had used them to do that to your grandma! Hehe" Phil chuckled uncontrollably.

"Whatever you say grandpa."


	7. Chapter 7

An Apple A Day

"Hey grandpa." Arnold said, walking into the living room.

"Hey shortman. How was school?" Phil asked, setting aside his paper.

"Okay I guess. Mr. Simmons made us finish our nutrition lecture. The only one who seemed interested was Sheena."

"Nutrition eh? She one of those weirdos who won't touch meat? If so, I'd stay away from her." Phil suggested.

"No, she just tries to eat healthy."

"Reminds me of the time my dad said I had to start eating right. He took Mitzy and I to a nearby orchard to pick all the apples we could carry."

"Did you have fun?"

"Oh yeah...up until the point when a branch broke and about twenty of them hit me one by one on the head!" Phil rubbed his chin, thinking back to the day.

"You know what they say though. An apple a day…"

"Keeps the doctor away." Arnold smiled.

"Really they'll keep anyone away if thrown hard enough, and boy did that tree prove it! I haven't picked one since!" Phil laughed.

"See ya grandpa." Arnold smiled. While Phil didn't always give the best advice, it was nice having someone so enthusiastic around.


	8. Chapter 8

Don't See Me Run

"That you shortman?" Phil asked, hearing the door open.

"Yeah grandpa, it's me." Arnold said softly, entering the kitchen with an ice cream cone.

Phil looked at the sweet treat in his grandson's hand and said "You get your ice cream?"

Arnold sat down with a somber look on his face and replied "Yeah, but Harold didn't have enough money for any."

"Sounds like good news to me. Kid doesn't need any!"

"He ran after the truck, screaming for it to come back."

"Reminds me of this overweight kid in my class who never got on his feet for anything! He had to have everything brought to him, be it his school supplies or his dinner. Then one day, I saw the kid running down the street right past me."

"Was he exercising?"

"Heck no! He was being chased by an angry dog!"

"What happened?"

"I started running as fast as I could to get away from it, which was a lot quicker than he was able to." Phil laughed at the memory.

"Did you eventually make it home?"

"Yes and I learned if I ever saw that kid running again, I should start running too, because it's probably bad news. Haha!"

"Uhh right grandpa."


	9. Chapter 9

It's No Problem

"Hey there shortman! I brought you some milk and cookies!" Phil said, entering Arnold's bedroom.

"No thanks grandpa."

"Uh oh. What's wrong? Your little classmate picking on you again? The one with the big pink bow and the one eyebrow?"

"Actually, Nadine brought her spider for show and tell today. We had to look at it's egg sack. It just kind of grossed everybody out."

"Reminds me of the time your grandma set one on my desk. She knew how petrified I was of them. The thing scurried off before I could kill it though!"

"So you didn't see it again?"

"Actually, the thing turned out to be inside my desk the next day. That's when I realized seeing them isn't a big deal. They don't become a problem until they disappear!"

"Uhh thanks grandpa."

"Anytime shortman!"


	10. Chapter 10

Don't Get Your Hopes Up

"Hey grandpa."

"Hey shortman! How'd the science fair go?"

"Well, Phoebe won first prize with her project explaining how temperature affects the density of water."

"I'd give her the prize just to keep her from explaining it to me!"

"Yeah, but I think she was a little disappointed."

"Oh, how so?"

"They didn't give her an actual trophy. It was just a blue ribbon."

"Reminds me of the time the school announced they were going to start serving pizza in the cafeteria. I was so excited! The big day finally came! I got myself a slice the size of Abner's stomach!" Phil began to explain, as Arnold continued to listen.

"Five minutes after I finished it, I spent the rest of the lunch period gagging my brains out. Haha!"

"I don't get it? What's the point?"

"The point is, things never turn out as good as you hope they will! There's a secret to guaranteed happiness though."

"There is?" Arnold asked anxiously.

"Yep! Low expectations. Don't expect much, and you'll never be disappointed about anything! Haha!" Phil laughed, while watching Arnold leave the table.

"Thanks grandpa."


	11. Chapter 11

I'm Not In Control

Phil was playing checkers in the kitchen with Oscar when he heard Arnold and Gerald entering the room. The elderly man looked up from the board to greet them and said "Hey there boys! How was school?"

After setting his bag down, Arnold went to the fridge to grab him and Gerald a soda. The discouraged boy then leaned against the counter with his drink as he began to explain the incident which took place at school.

"Well, I was in the cafeteria talking to Gerald at lunch…"

"Hmm, sounds like a normal day to me." Phil butted in.

Ignoring the remark, Arnold went on to say "Then we heard a noise on the other side of the room."

"Noise? What kind of noise? Laughing, snoring, crying…"

"No grandpa. One of my classmates was screaming…"

"Ooohh that was my next guess!" Phil smacked the table, not caring to let his grandson get on with the story.

Oscar was taking advantage of the time Phil spent looking away from the board by moving as many pieces as possible.

Arnold then continued on with the incident "Anyway, Curly was riding the cart with the lunch trays across the cafeteria."

"What the heck for?"

"He was trying to catch Eugene to take to the zoo to free the animals with him. No one knows why he acts that way."

"Arnold, did I ever tell you about the first time your grandma made me dessert?"

"Uhh no?"

"Hehe. She told me I could have anything I wanted. I said 'As long as it doesn't have raspberries, I'll eat it.'"

"What'd she make you?"

"She handed me what she said was a strawberry pie, that turned out to be a raspberry pie."

"Why'd she do that to you?"

"Because shortman, raspberry was her favorite! She may have liked the idea of doing something nice for me, but that wasn't going to stop her from having her favorite dessert!"

"I don't get it, what's the point?"

"The point is, you can't control others. We want people to behave like we do, when all we can really do is embrace their differences. Why do you think I still eat it every time she makes it?"

Arnold continued to drink his soda as he watched Phil turn his face back towards the game. "Hey wait...did you touch anything?!"

The blonde boy rolled his eyes at his grandfather's ignorance while Gerald turned to look at his best friend and glared "Like he said, you can't control people."


	12. Chapter 12

No Harm Done

Phil was sitting in the kitchen watching his eccentric wife bake some chocolate chip cookies when his grandson walked in.

"Hey! How was school shortman?"

"Okay I guess."

Pookie walked over to place the tray of cookies on the table with a glass of milk and said "Here you are Mon Captain. You'll need plenty of energy for our Titanic search this evening!"

"No thanks grandma."

Phil reached for a cookie from the tray and asked "What's the problem shortman?"

"Well, today at lunch they were serving chocolate pudding."

"Ooohh! Did ya bring one home for me?" the elderly man winked.

Arnold placed his head in his hand and sighed "No one got any."

"Hmmm...is that so?"

"When chocolate boy saw what was being laid out, he hopped on the lunch counter and dove right into the pudding. There was a mess everywhere!"

Phil chuckled at his grandson's story and said "Arnold, did I ever tell you about the time my dad caught me smoking?"

"Uhh no?"

"Ho boy! I was in the backyard with Jimmy Kafka, smoking a cigarette we found in the street."

"What happened?"

Thinking back to the day with a smile on his face, Phil explained "My dad was so mad when he caught us! He sent Jimmy home and said he was going to make sure he never had to worry about catching me with one of those things again!"

"How'd he do that?"

"Hehe. He took me out back with a carton of cigarettes and made me smoke until the thought of ever touching another cigarette made me sicker to my stomach than the sight of your grandma's raspberry cobbler!"

Not being too amused by the story, Arnold replied "I don't think eating too much chocolate will fix chocolate boy's problem. That's all he's been eating for years."

"Well then, run down to the store and buy a caffeine patch. That way he'll have something to cling to without doing harm to himself or others."


End file.
